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Pain and depression - yes, I think they do interact.

When I'm in pain it takes a lot of CBT type techniques to keep depression under control. And even then it's more like first aid than something that resolves the situation. Chemical pain relief is still what makes the difference.

I'm having a couple of bad pain days, and although I was chipper enough at first (because I'd been having a good time) it only took a day for things to go downhill.

I have the knowledge to see my depressive thoughts in an objective light, but it's not knowledge that I feel, it's something I know intellectually(or am simply taking on faith) and I have to keep reminding myself, as the physical signs keep telling me otherwise, and telling me my depressive thoughts are reality.

I'm still learning (and I suspect it's a lifelong thing) which strategies assist in helping me feel less depressed. The depressive beliefs might be false, but I have learnt that I still have to acknowledge and pander to them.

When I first learnt CBT techniques, they seemed to suggest I should do exactly what I would do if I was not having those thoughts. But that doesn't work for me - it just leads to a weird dichotomy between actions and feelings that feels false and leads me to feel very cut off from myself. It became habit to discount how I felt about things - even when my feelings proved to be right.

~~~

I am feeling a great deal of emotional pain regarding my sense of low self worth, which has been triggered off by my drama with intimate relationships. I am finding it hard to accept the idea of not looking for love because I find it hard to make this decision without looking down on myself for it.

And without feeling bitter about the world. It's hard to balance kindness and acceptance that I am somewhat naive, without either beating myself up for that, or beating the world up for the fact that I need to be less naive(because people should not take advantage - it's mean and unfair). I want to be able to trust, I want to prove that I can trust and that the world is not cruel.

~~~

In the meanwhile, I am harvesting broad beans. Normally I blanch them before freezing, but I've decided the difference in taste isn't great enough to bother. Sometime this week I'll be cutting them down and using the space for cantelopes.

Not for a few minutes though, as I am stiff and sore and waiting for the codeine to kick in a bit.

After that I will be doing paperwork.

~~~

And while change and movement is scary, I think I need to find something nice to do in January. It appears to be a tricky time of year these days, I'd like to turn that around.

This entry was originally posted at http://splodgenoodles.dreamwidth.org/2745775.html. You may comment here, or there using OpenID if you have no Dreamwidth account.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
angiereedgarner
Nov. 29th, 2015 06:34 am (UTC)
I relate. I am not good at calling when I need to take pain meds (I always wait too long and run down my physical and mental health). If I can't get to sleep because of pain, I wait a little longer and try a different position etc. etc. and before I know it the prime sleeping hours have gone by and I start the next day in pain in a deeper hole!
dragonsally
Nov. 29th, 2015 07:21 am (UTC)
Shall we try to have our outing to the gallery - or the museum - or just somewhere - in January?

Oh hells yes for the interaction between pain and depression. For me, they feed off each other. I'm waiting keenly for our weather to stabilize so my body can stop ow ow owing so very much.
splodgenoodles
Nov. 29th, 2015 11:32 am (UTC)
Yes, let's!
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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