Every so often I wander into LJ without logging in first. I can see why people get crapped off with the ads.

I'm feeling a bit meh.

I think I'm burnt out from the illness thing. (No, really?) Burnt out from the business of having, always, to explain deficits that I'd rather not admit to having. Deficits that make me feel ashamed.

And the fact that I have to explain them, show them - that's weird. I'd far rather be able to move along in life without mentioning them. But they're so hard for anyone else to see, that if I don't describe them I can't move at all because they cripple me. I need for people to understand them.

But then, I've reached the point now where it's been so long that maybe it doesn't matter if people think I'm just some weirdo hermit, someone with Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. (aka: Not Quite Right). Trouble is, that only works when you're able to function within whatever the limits are at the time - the moment you need more support you're screwed.

I have started a new beanie. It's in two colours (some stranding, some intarsia). I have limited experience of stranded colour knitting and zero of intarsia so it should be fun. Possibly the wrong kind of fun, but fun all the same.

And I now consider myself to have 'started' even before I can point at something and say 'here it is in progress', because doing 10 rows and ripping back because it isn't right yet is still progress.

Earlier this week I also tentatively restarted work on the lace shawl of doooom and put the first ever fitted item of clothing I've ever worked on back into the hamper for a while, still unfinished, where it can calm down and think about what it's done. There's another knitting project I've been quietly working on but you'll know about it if and when I feel like it has succeeded.

Point is, there's movement in woolly terms at least. I was going to say 'creative' but it's all about learning techniques and following patterns. No matter how much I like what I'm doing, the level of creativity comes down to how many decisions I make within the confines of the technique/pattern I'm following. And I'm not making many decisions yet, I'm following instructions and seeing what happens.

Well that's one way of looking at it anyway. Other time I figure it's down to the fact that I am putting it together, and that's intrinsically creative.

I am loving the way I learn when I knit. The way I move from going on faith, when I do something because the author knows what they're doing but I make endless mistakes, to the point where the penny drops - usually because I've done something wrong five times in a row - and I finally understand properly how something works and what the instructions mean.

This is the point where I find I know where I am in a pattern by looking at the work rather than by constant reference to the written instructions and where I start to change things to suit my own prerences. Where I can see what I'm doing and even if it's still someone else's creativity that I'm bringing into reality, I'm really enjoying doing so and thanking them for it.

A sense of comprehension is hard to come by these days, you have no idea how good it feels when it hits. Clarity, it's beautiful.

~~~

Yeah I should probably go to bed.

~~~

P.S.: I'm back to add more good things to the Good Things Basket.

Here's some just about today:

Today I read a chapter of a book. And took notes, because it's that sort of book. I also took some photos of the yard, admired a honking great pot that 10B bought home for me (we <3 rubbish removal, we <3 it sooo much), and spoke to Ricky on the phone.

So, memo to self: there may be some nasty shit out there, but today was a nice day.