We have had some real, proper rain.

My mentality has changed so much. Rain is now luxuriant. Hot, sunny dry weather is oppressive, bleak and depressing. When it's sunny I feel afraid for our future, dry and exposed.

Of course I never liked the north wind much anyway, but now I love clouds and showers and wet more than I ever thought possible.

~~~

I am still fascinated by knitting and becoming convinced it's doing good things for the brain.

~~~

I've just finished reading Northern Lights, which is the first of Pullman's His Dark Materials and the basis of the film The Golden Compass which I've not yet seen. Enjoyed it heartily once I passed the first few chapters and my customary reticence to give over and enter another reality. (I wish I knew what that reticence is about.) Enjoyed it enough that I'm reluctant to read the second book as it might overwhelm me (there it goes again) or worse, might disappoint me.

He does some good unexpected twists, definitely not in the mould of C.S. Lewis.

I've just begun a tome on the Etruscans called (wait for it) The Etruscans, by Keller, first published English in 1975... I'm taking notes on cards, just like I did back at uni, to help me remember and process information, rather than allow myself to glaze over and get foggy. Also, I'm doing my reading in very small chunks, alternating with knitting, staring at things and desultory conversation when available.

Doing stuff on cards is also an attempt to pull myself away from Dave more, lovely though he is, because I feel that sitting in front of Dave has just become too automatic and my default way of being. That and I seem to have forgotten how to write. You know, with a pen.

~~~

Language learning is on the back burner - I've loaded both Chinese and French stuff onto Dave but now feel like I've got enough other stuff on my brain-plate for a while.

~~~

These days I seem to feel very quiet a lot of the time. Not distressed, quite comfy and content a lot of the time. But quiet.

~~~

( Medical. )

Saturday was a jolly sort of day, really.

I'm still on the DHEA.

We wombled round a nearby park in the afternoon. Haven't done that for a loooong time. Rather good fun. Lots of people walking dogs, I like dogs. Kids kicking footies, people pushing prams and even a couple of people having barbeques.
It felt a whole lot better than it did on Friday. Friday I went out on my own for the first time. I toured the nearby streets and came home feeling like I should have been a lot happier about it than I was. In truth I kept finding myself remembering how much I hate suburbia, how quickly I can feel overwhelmed by a sense of anomie when I'm out there and just how silent and empty this place can be (and not in a good way).

But maybe the secret is to go to the park, where people are actually doing stuff and congregating. Being a community and all that.

~~~

Y'know, once you get over the 'oh god the entire world is judging me' thing, the scooter is really just an extra comfy dodgem car, only without a big old Maori guy jumping on the back and steering you out of corners because you are 8 years old and have no idea what you're doing (thankyou Peter Rowsthorn).

And dodgem cars never go fast enough either.

The OT who's been helping me with all of this has agreed that I shall not get a red scooter. I feel that red scooters are common. (And seriously, they are! Once you've got a scooter or are thinking about them, you start seeing them everywhere and they're all red. Every last one of them.) I am becoming increasingly fond of the very dark turquoise on this hire model, although I reckon a really dark purple would be nice too. Or straight out black.

I shall be sensible and do some strategic applications of reflective tape, of course, but otherwise I want something fairly laid back.

~~~

I am increasingly finding myself wondering what to do with my time. I'm getting bored, cooped up and twitchy. Reading LJ, paying bills and doing the odd load of laundry just isn't cutting the mustard. Too much solitude, and those of you I used to hang around with appear to have buggered off into the ether. (Entirely your perogative of course, and given I've only just gotten well enough to notice, extremely unsurprising.) All I can say is it's a good thing tenbears is a willing hermit so much of the time - it's so fucking quiet round here I don't understand how he hasn't gone stark raving. Nothing ever happens.
Of course, let's see how I am in a week. Or how I am once I start taking on one more task per day, or how I am next time I fiddle with the experimental drugs (I might be stopping the DHEA again), or how I am when I simply start attending appointments out-of-home rather than having them here or over the phone.

But in the meanwhile, optimistic suggestions for lifestyle enhancement are quite welcome.

Menstrual rant and DHEA.

( My period is getting right up my nose. )

3. General capacity: it's floating back down a bit, as it usually does when I get my period.

But still, even though today felt like a monumentally crappy and exhausting day, I only spent some of it in bed and out of action. It's still been no big deal to have a bath, walk round the house as needed, go to the loo, watch telly, zap dinner in the microwave. I'm off to bed now and I'll read a book for a little while.

None of these activities were an easy option 12 months ago, even on a good day, and some of them were simply not possible. So I have reasons to be cheerful.

Tomorrow I am determined to make myself lie on the couch in the daytime (for some reason I only ever let myself do this at night unless my CFS symptoms force me to) and listen to music and look at books. I need to practice chilling out more.


Planted hyacinths today!

( Squicky medical stuff. )

There. Wasn't that rivetting?

Today I saw the endocrinologist.

According to the path report from my bone densitometry scan:

The values show a loss in bone density which does not meet WHO criteria for osteoporosis but does indicate a mild increase in fracture risk.
(For those who came in late, this is a vast improvement on straight out osteoporosis).

More specifically, lumbar spine is a tad worse, but not enough that she's concerned AND the bone density of my hips is now within normal range.


Go me! Go my dense bones!


Also, I am no longer vitamin D deficient.

Go me! Go my appropriate vitamin intake! Boo sucks to sunlight and healthy eating! Hooray for drugs that do it for you!

AND I simply don't have any blood-testable markers for PCOS anymore. She cannot explain this and does not understand, especially since my weight has increased not decreased. In fact, my hormones are mostly well below average. This is brilliant.

Go me! I am a medical conundrum! (Who doesn't have PCOS, which is potentially quite nasty!) Hooray!

( Then we got onto the interesting stuff (Cut so only the stalkers need know). )

Damn but I wish one or two other medical folk were as proactive as this.

( Just getting stuff of my chest. )

On a cheerier note, the OT was wearing a great outfit. It was a neat, tidy, work appropriate version of the extremely grungy purple mini-dress and black tights arrangement that I gave up on only last year.

Perhaps I should give myself a little bit more credit for my wardrobe, since fashionistas seem to be going through my rag-bags when they need inspiration.