I've been missing my parents something fierce lately.

And I realise how lucky I was to have them - specifically those two people - for parents.

No, they weren't anything more than imperfect human beings, they made mistakes, but maybe that's kind of the point. They were brilliantly, humanly imperfect.

And they loved me. And they were Mum and Dad.

10 year anniversay of CFS coming up. Emotionally kind of heavy.

And now a highly respected endocrinologist disputes that diagnosis.

I feel her main symptoms are directly related to her prednisolone use and that she essentially has iatrogenic Cushing's syndrome.

If he's right, the implications are enormous. If he is not the implications are also enormous.

And hope - I'm scared of hope. Hope becomes dangerous when it fails you too often. I don't want to get hurt anymore.

And I'm scared of doing anything rash. Which I could do. When you see a potential way out of your situation, you can easily believe just because you want it so much.

I got the letter from him last night and I can't quite explain the emotional impact of seeing all this written down. Labels are powerful things. And this raised so many questions. And could change so much.

~~~

Last night Mum-in-Law came by and made a point of sitting me down and telling me not to protect her. That she's always kept her head in the sand and that she needs to stop and so I need to stop protecting her from the reality of my situation regarding the Crohn's Disease and what might lie ahead. She pointed out she's family, and she will cope and I'm not to worry about how she feels, she'll manage and she'll deal with her own issues.

God she's a trooper. As it happens, given I know how squeamish she is, I've been amazed at how well she *has* coped.

Family!

~~~

But now I have to fight. I have to push hard to get a chance to explore all options, to not simply go down the same road that others go. Because I don't want to go there, and I *am* willing to fight to avoid it. I *am* willing to try other options first and I need to find the people who will support me and help me in that. I've just got to find them, prove that I'm willing and get them on side, whether that's because they feel sorry for me, want to rescue me or are simply wanting to follow up on some research possibility that they like. Doesn't matter why. Shake them by the lapels and say 'take my body it's yours, do what you want'.

OMFG so much work to do. Soooo much.