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Aug. 25th, 2012

A cigarette is still a comforting thing. And for a few minutes the fogginess lifts as well. Not that I can do much, I'm physically wiped out by it at the same time.

It got me out of the house - there's a spot with a chair at the door of the shed. I stare down a long driveway. When it's dark I don't feel like I'm on show to an empty room. A long, empty room made of concrete.

It's all concrete, everything is concrete. Down here at my end there are pots, full of potting mix which needs regular renewal - not more matter to break down and be absorbed, but replacement with more stuff that comes in plastic bags and should never be inhaled. Potted plants can't survive without constant intervention. None of it is spontaneous: no bugs or insects, no dirt for me to stand in. No trees to touch.

How much I miss that. It was my home.

Dirt costs money, so I may not find another. I also have the other requirements, the sensible ones that mean I can't run away to where at least I could have some dirt.

My identity has always been tied up with dirt and plants and the critters that live among them.

Over the years I've had to rebuild chunks of myself a few times, I'm not sure I can do this one.


( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 25th, 2012 07:50 am (UTC)
You could create a no dig garden on the concrete - I've seen it done.
Aug. 25th, 2012 10:10 am (UTC)
I've seen many such things done, and failing anything else I'll do that because it's better than nothing.

My point is, it doesn't quite do it for me and I'm really grieving about the loss.

And no one seems to get it.
Aug. 25th, 2012 10:14 am (UTC)
I think I get the grieving; a bit, anyhow. I wish I could be of more use at the moment. I feel paralysed by the uncertainty at work. I will ask you to advise me as I work out the extent to which I can garden at the new rental place, anyhow. Not in anyway the same as having your own garden, but it might help to play a little.

But however bad it gets, I don't care about nicotine addiction, but please don't smoke. Current synthesis of the evidence is that smoking kills 50 per cent of people who smoke, one way or the other. And you know, some of the others are probably hit by buses before they get the chance to be killed by smoking.

Why not buy some nicotine patches, and give yourself a nice little fog-lift with them. As I understand it, pure nicotine is not especially bad for you (though I haven't done a lit search or anything). 
Aug. 25th, 2012 10:57 am (UTC)
I was thinking of buying some gum, actually. I believe that's relatively safe.
Aug. 25th, 2012 12:23 pm (UTC)
Oh and there's also the research showing a good link between nicotine patches and less symptoms of UC. Which I don't have, but hey.

So has the garden in the new place been "landscaped" *coughgagsplutter* or is it okay?
Aug. 25th, 2012 07:48 pm (UTC)
As someone else whose identity is tied to the soil and what grows from it (whether my hands planted it or not), I can feel your pain. I would be in the exact emotional spot you're in if I were in your circumstances. It's a huge loss and something very much worth grieving over.

I wish I could help or offer more.
Aug. 27th, 2012 03:34 am (UTC)
That's really crappy, to be denied an aspect of self. I hope a solution presents it self, though it may take time.
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )


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