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My emotions are all over the place. When I'm happy, I'm ridiculously happy. When I'm lost, I feel like I'm in a minefield. And comfort is overwhelmingly seductive, I just want it. All of it. Lots of it. My appetite for comfort is voratious.

I want to spend money on geegaws and toys. I want to go for drives in the country. I want sex and games and hugs and kisses. I want music. I want inspiration, things and experiences that move me. I want new sources of comfort, because the boredom I know so well just isn't working. I feel like I'm clawing at a brick wall, trying to bring it to life.

Comments

( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
(no subject) - shehasathree - Jul. 25th, 2013 06:20 am (UTC) - Expand
splodgenoodles
Jul. 25th, 2013 06:36 am (UTC)
Yes, they are. But I find that when I think "geegaws" I think more of complex toys. Smartphones compared to ornaments.

Is this hypomania?

At first, it's cool. Easy to ignore limits. Then it's tired but wired basically.
(no subject) - shehasathree - Jul. 25th, 2013 07:10 am (UTC) - Expand
splodgenoodles
Jul. 25th, 2013 09:00 am (UTC)
Oh the lighbulb moment.

I've increased the steroids. Also, I was just at my GP's and she asked me if steroids made me euphoric.

I may have giggled.
(no subject) - shehasathree - Jul. 25th, 2013 09:11 am (UTC) - Expand
dragonsally
Jul. 25th, 2013 09:18 am (UTC)
Huh, I didn't know that steroids do that. I hope things feel better for you pronto Splodge.
(no subject) - shehasathree - Jul. 26th, 2013 02:36 am (UTC) - Expand
dahliablue
Jul. 25th, 2013 05:14 pm (UTC)
I guess it's a red flag that I read this thinking how accurately you described my daily life, then reading the comments made me realize that feeling like this isn't a normal thing..

It's a bit like feeling yourself crawling under your own skin, isn't it?</p>

I hope it's temporary for you and you can find a nice, peaceful mental spot. It can be exhausting dealing with this when you're already exhausted.

(and also, thanks for this description because i was having difficulty explaining my mental state to my acupuncturist and you just summed it up for me perfectly. You probably didn't even realize you'd be helping someone
out with this post. :) )

feyandstrange
Jul. 25th, 2013 09:50 pm (UTC)
Some of this may indeed be the steroids (at least you get the fun side effects! Steroids give me classic 'roid rage and I sulk a lot), but 'control' is something you didn't have a lot of in your old life, and something you fought for and got in this new phase. And being able to do nice things for yourself and enjoy yourself without fear or reprisal from others is pretty darn amazing.
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )

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