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I did creative stuff today - hauled myself into the room with the paints in it and played with them.

So weird when I do this. the activity then comes to a natural end for the day, and for once I don't have the vague sense that my day (and therefore my life) would have been more satisfying if only I'd done something creative.

Procrastination is a great way of avoiding confronting the reality of your hopes and dreams: you never have to test out how those things will work in reality. You have to deal with the dull minutae of what you're trying to achieve, accept that you might not be any good at it, and accept that it might not make you happier. (In many ways it might, but it won't mean you don't still get aches and pains, still have bad days or whatever).

But I also find that when I don't procrastinate on creative stuff - particularly painting - that I do feel more at peace with myself. My day feels quite complete. I'm at a loose end, but not my normal type of loose end in which I still feel burdened and frustrated for ill-defined reasons. I don't know how long this will last - I do have a few hours until bedtime and no sense of there being anything I *should* do, and I don't have the spoons for much.

It may be that I will be capable of watching the usual brain floss telly and feel like I shouldn't really be doing something more important or useful. Maybe I will even manage an early enough night. (I'm not game to go as far as to expect a good night's sleep without chemical help).


I've yet to meet an artist who is free from trouble and care. Their work might be an attempt to create something that will satisfy them, but J reckons the good ones rarely achieve this. They resolve a problem and it provides new problems that they feel compelled to resolve. Work and improvement is the impetus for more work and improvement.

J, my lovely art teacher, advises putting finished work away for a year or so and seeing how it looks then.

It's probably a very good thing that I don't aspire to be an artist anymore. I aspire to getting this little task done, that small goal of learning achieved, then that other project underway, rinse and repeat. Dramatic plans and gestures can't have a place in my life anymore.


Knitting is still not happening. I hope it happens again soon as I have a couple of lovely ideas I'd like to make real, and they are sort of on a timetable. But this won't happen until I can allocate a good chunk of thinking time - with paper and pen and probably a calculator - first.


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Nov. 20th, 2013 03:59 am (UTC)
If you are anything like me, you probably expect absolute perfection on your first attempt at something. I approach my writing that way. It has to look perfect, sound perfect in every way. Which is why I am then loathe to ever share any of it. It's why I procrastinate about getting down to it. I find my expectations become so burdensome, they rob me of the joy I had simply writing.

The one thing I WAS able to break myself of was that nagging feeling I had to be 'doing something important' all of the time. I sat myself down and went over the history of the planet, tied it in with the history of all of mankind, thought about what I knew about my family even three generations back ... and then came to realization that there is no such thing as "important work". The value of our activity is place there solely by our own selves which is sometimes (often rarely) reflected back upon us by the adoring eyes of someone who appreciates the work we had done. But ask that person one month later and see what they remember of it. A dull smile will cross their face as they try to remember what exactly it was you did ... yeah, I get it.

In other words, the most important consideration is what we think of what we are doing. And if we disapprove, we have to ask ourselves 'why'? For myself, I find it is because I impute an expectation of result on them which I then find almost impossible to achieve. Which leads to more procrastination ... and on and on.

Do what makes you happy. Period.

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )


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