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Physical and mental illness ensure that I am always worried about how I'll feel, think, and manage tomorrow.

But I have also observed that I seem to lack emotional memory.

Or, possibly, that I have a strong need to have everything in balance in each 24/48 hour period.

I say 48 because as far as CFS goes, I can have a (moderately) energy consuming activity once every 48 hours without crashing. The idea of pacing oneself to the point of only doing as much on any day as you could do on every day is not only bloody hard in anything but the most controlled conditions, but I've found it to be not entirely true. I seem to go moderately well if I work my pacing schedule to 48 hours, not 24.

I don't take this to the point of crashing, because once I hit that point recovery will always mean more than one day to recover. But keeping within limits, I can stretch things one day if there's a quiet day the next day.


But with many things, I feel out of balance quickly. Hence the 24 hour thing. I want every day to have a bit of everything. The idea of a full day devoted to anything feels me with dread. Changes and transitions have always been hard (always). It's like every time I forget that I've been through this change before (because I nearly always have) and survived okay. A day in will scare me because I just had a day out. A day out will scare me because I just had a day in (and even though I get stir crazy quickly, it will still scare me).

I've never learnt to just go through the motions of preparing for change without investing that change with anxiety, frantically overthinking the meaning of the transition, and longing for a sense of place while it happens.

I suspect this is why I can't read on trams even though if I could, the transition from out to home would be so much smoother. Too much distraction and too much awareness of the whole damn process. I suspect this is why music can be so challenging: it occurs over time, it's a process of change. And time is the scary thing.

And while I'll never be good at being a Buddhist! If one certainty in the world is change, excuse me while I lie down with my head under a pillow.

This entry was originally posted at http://splodgenoodles.dreamwidth.org/2298112.html. You may comment here, or there using OpenID if you have no Dreamwidth account.


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 8th, 2014 01:49 am (UTC)
It is bittersweet to me to know that someone else entertains the exact same thoughts. I'm sorry you have to feel that way but you are most certainly not alone.

This has been my most active day this week, finally feeling capable of more than the simplest of activities. I hope I didn't over do it but if I did, such is life.

I've been taking a new supplement these last few months, Magnesium Bisglycinate Plus which, up until this last week, seemed to give my system a measure of resilience which I had been lacking. I don't know if it would benefit you, but I wouldn't have discovered its merits if it hadn't been for a friend who insisted I take them. I'm not sure what happened to me this last week, but today was better, putting me a little more into the game. Now, tomorrow may tell a different story, but there is a chance I'm past whatever has been dogging me this last week.

Feel better!
Jun. 8th, 2014 08:08 am (UTC)
Well huh, why hadn't I thought of it being a 48 hour thing? That makes SO much sense. Splodge, you have just given me a better way to manage my activities and PEM.
Jun. 8th, 2014 11:17 pm (UTC)
Wherever you go, there you are, as they say.

Self knowledge always helps. And describing it that way certainly communicates a much more urgent sense of stress than I had previously understood you suffered. I'm sorry.</p>

That wherever you go thought is how I manage my (very much smaller than yours) change anxiety too though - I figure I am the constant, and I've always got me with me. Not suggesting this needs to work for anyone else, just reflecting on what I do without thinking to avoid the stress you describe.

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )


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