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Bored now.

It' s a bit weird lying here as a single person. You don't have someone seeking continual updates and such. It's not that others don't care and aren't helping - in fact they're doing a brilliant job - but it is... different.

It's compounded by keeling that people would be so much more comfortable if I would pretend everything was fine. My circumstances are personally challenging to many and the default option for humans is to maintain homeostasis: to pressure _someone_ into acquiescing so that they do not need to change their own views, feeling and actions.

The willingness of my ex to be nice at this point does not help. I'm feeling upset and broken and betrayed. A willingness to be nice about the things that it suits him to be nice about, that it's easy to be nice about, doesn't help. And again that pressure: if only I were willing to tap into that willingness of his to be nice, it would all be kittens and puppies for everyone. And less work.

The fact that it would come at an immense cost to my psychological and emotional well being does not matter as long as I keep it quiet.


So I am sorry world but I can't be who you want me to be.

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
dragonsally
Oct. 9th, 2011 10:55 pm (UTC)
The fact that it would come at an immense cost to my psychological and emotional well being does not matter as long as I keep it quiet.


So I am sorry world but I can't be who you want me to be.


You shouldn't have to be.

Sending virtual hugs.
17catherines
Oct. 9th, 2011 11:56 pm (UTC)
Ouch.

Are you OK for books, music and handcrafts? Care packages can be sent. And I'd love to call and catch up, if there's a convenient time.

love

Catherine
feyandstrange
Oct. 10th, 2011 02:20 am (UTC)
I want you to be brave and happy and your own person, not pressured by the needs and demands and whines of others.

And healthy, if someone could manage that. Also, full of chocolate and tea.
fluidsparkles
Oct. 10th, 2011 07:19 am (UTC)
this i second.
quatrefoil
Oct. 10th, 2011 04:04 am (UTC)
I really get this. I find the most challenging part of being single is when I'm sick, because I know that there is no-one I can rely on to help. There are people who probably will help if I ask them, but there's no-one for whom it's a responsibility, and if something else comes up that will take precedence.

I also get where you're coming from regarding 10B helping. I realised some time ago that I had a friend who would be very publicly helpful, but wasn't willing to give anything if there wasn't an audience. It was a salutary lesson - people will do a lot if not doing it makes them look bad.

I am glad that you're getting some help, however, whatever the source.
splodgenoodles
Oct. 10th, 2011 09:35 am (UTC)
No. I think that 10B is genuine, but it's really, really bad timing. I need space. I need to consolidate.

If we spend too much time together I get angry and suspicious. If we don't I can see that regardles of where our marriage went, he does care in his own way.
lostinarcadia
Oct. 10th, 2011 05:30 am (UTC)
Didn't get in to see you today, because I was doing boring urgent accounts… I can come tomorrow. I'll sit quietly and knit and you can address me if you feel up to chatting. Or not if you don't.

I'm also good at being assertive on others' behalf with medical persons if that should be required.
fluidsparkles
Oct. 10th, 2011 07:19 am (UTC)
Love you do not have to be ok with him you can get snarky if you want was tempted to seend flowers chocolates anything .. Can visit if it saves you from dying of boredom but i thought does she like flowers what if she gets hay fever or is scent senstive.

You are very much in my thoughts and growling at exes who betrayed you can be very therapeutic it was when i did it. *hugs*

Email is mizrosekitten@gmail.com hon . Just send a wish list. :)
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

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