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OKay. Not replied to anything yet sorry. But I'm just going to rant a little anyway I feel bad doing that when there's conversations to have but right now..gah.

I konw there are some nice conversations, funny conversations, friendly conversations, interesting and useful ones...I have people I care about and want to be in touch with, people I don't even really know yet and would like to know better, old friends and family members I'd just like to feel in contact with again,

but I'm really having trouble just pulling myself out of my own situation. And I'm exhausted and can barely hear myself think in here. Also, it's a bloody institution and one has to spend a bit of energy just working out how to live within it without losing one's soul.

The physio was pretty upfront on Friday. Given my poor excercise tolerance, it's home most likely in a wheelchair, which I'm fine about actually. But it does rather beg the question of what constitutes home. And what can be wheelchair accessible. I don't think they want me here for the full 6 weeks. I don't either, but I need to be able to transfer safely by myself before I go anywhere where there are no nursing staff. And of course, as she pointed out - it *might* be longer than 6 weeks. That's just an average. It's when they do the x-ray to see if the bones have repaired enough yet that I can do more than touch-weight bear on the right leg.


There are a few options available to me. I just feel vexed and troubled about all of them. I *really* want to be in my own space (don't we all), I really want to lie in bed with Tiger biting my hand while I try and sleep. And I'm not sure she'd cope with a move very well if I stayed anywhere else. But it's hell living with 10B. It was horrible. Now that he's had time to relax and do whatever he likes there, I might just find it's even more horrible. Don't know.

No one here who mentions respite care says it with a smile on their face, so I'm reluctant to pursue that one.

It's already happenned once that my comment that he is prepared to do stuff to help has been used inappropriately, as in: a worker making an assumption that he is in some ways willing to care for me and that's okay. No, it's not. Housemate only, ffs.

Bear in mind, he was willing to do something that would really hurt me because (he said) he did not think I would break up with him. In other words, this is not a suitable carer/caree relationship. It has the potential to be completely soul destroying, as the marriage had become. I now get housemate level of assistance from 10B, which I need. But it does come at the cost of never really being able to express my feelings or move on with my own life. The fact we were still under one roof was preventing me from moving on, while it did not have such a restriction on him because he is not housebound, and had already moved on.

Legal stuff is on hold. 10B has been making enquiries about what he can sort out regarding the house, but won't discuss stuff with me yet. He also said that he understood the role of the lawyers to be to keep us polite. I have explained they are also there to come up with ideas about how we can both get the best we can out of this situation. (I don't think he really *gets* collaboration and consultation.

So. I wiggle my legs and feet a lot. I am getting better at transfers: from bed up to a 'gutter' frame (I have no idea why it's called that) and thence onto a chair. It's still really hard, can't do it too often in a day.

And about an hour ago I said I didn't need assistance getting changed for bed. Actually I probably do, I just felt a bit pissed off at lights out at 7PM. I'll see what I can do.

I have an image in my head of where I should be, and where I'm hoping to be. Just got to bloody get there.



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